A friend of mine was kind enough to 'take one for the team' and recount her experience on her commute home. Proving that timing is everything... and that you just can't make this stuff up! Enjoy!
Usually my train rides are fairly uneventful. I believe that the most exciting thing that happened in over a year of riding the commuter rail was a medical emergency when somebody passed out. However, yesterday’s train ride was significantly more eventful than usual. As I walked through the train looking for a seat, I was stopped by a woman in the middle of the aisle who was loudly proclaiming that she was going to sit with “the most handsome man on the train.” She looked quite normal - dressed for a day at the office even – but she was decidedly, odd. We’ll call her Woman With Red Hair as I never caught her name. I took the closest seat I could find as I couldn’t get by her. I should have known I was in for a strange train ride when the man sitting next to me turned and said “I have never been so happy in my life as when you took the seat next to me.” When that’s not being used as a pick-up line, you should start to worry.
The woman had apparently found a candidate for “most handsome man on the train” as she proceeded to lean over a gentleman with blond hair a few seats away and ask him if he thought he was the most handsome man on the train. She was leaning over him so far that the man actually had to lean away from her and put his hands up to keep her away. When he did this she asked, “What, are you married or something?” and proceeded to tell him that she was okay with that. Eventually she lost interest in him and walked down the aisle to find Patrick, the man across the aisle and one row behind me. Patrick, apparently, was also a handsome man on the train. Patrick proceeded to ignore her and the older gentleman beside him started to tell Woman With Red Hair that she really ought to take a seat or the conductor would be upset with her. At this, Woman With Red Hair suggested that perhaps his lap would be the best seat available. When he, understandably, did not offer said lap, she decided to sit on the floor of the aisle and ask people if they had ever seen someone sit in the aisle of the train. Ummm….I’d safely say no.
The Conductor appeared to check tickets and was “mildly” annoyed to find a woman sitting on the floor of the train. He asked if she was all right or if she needed medical assistance to which she replied that she was just fine as long as they got her to Norfolk. Which, by the way, was about 40 minutes away at this time. With the help of a passenger they eventually got Woman With Red Hair into a seat…next to Patrick. Patrick was actually a pretty good sport about the whole thing, considering he was trapped between her and the wall. He assured the Conductor that she was fairly harmless and that he would be fine.
But Patrick spoke too soon. He, kindly, tried to offer Woman With Red Hair some help. I have no idea what sort of help she requested, but apparently Patrick decided that he could not help her with that particular request. Woman With Red Hair loudly proclaimed “What do you mean you can’t help me, you just said you could help me. Asshole. I know exactly what to do with an asshole like you” and began fishing through her purse. She pulled out a tube of lipstick, opened it, and proceeded to try to attack Patrick’s face with the tube of lipstick. Patrick, being no longer amused, restrained the woman until the Conductor could be called back in. As Patrick moved as far away from Woman With Red Hair as possible, the Conductor informed her that if she continued to harass the passengers, she would find herself escorted from the train. She informed him that this was fine as long as she was escorted off the train in Norfolk. Still, very, very far away.
The woman in front of Woman With Red Hair persuaded her to calm down a bit – pointing out that she did not want the police involved. Woman With Red Hair did quiet down a bit with her coaching and proceeded to sit quietly for about two minutes until an announcement came over the train:
“If Jane Doe is on the train, we have found your lost husband. He is in the last train car and will meet you in Walpole as planned.”
Woman With Red Hair having misunderstood “lost husband” and hearing “last husband” proceeded to cackle very loudly, much like the Wicked Witch of the West, and shout, “Why would anyone ever want to find their LAST husband.” When the Conductor showed up to remind her of his previous warning, she stated “Take me to Norfolk or DIE.” This quickly turned into a chant and she got up from her seat and started marching up and down the train screaming “Take me to Norfolk or DIE” over and over again. Needless to say, some men in blue uniforms were waiting to escort her off the train at the next stop in Norwood…with handcuffs.
After she was safely off the train a passenger was kind enough to point out that at least she had left with “the most handsome man on the train.”
So... a couple of weeks ago (August 10th to be exact) I left my monthly pass on the commuter rail. Why I ever took it out to put on the little seat 'thingy' I will never know, but I did. I mean, I even BOUGHT a handy little Vera Bradley wristlet (exact one seen here) to help - it has a window on the other side, so I don't even NEED to take it out except when going on the subway. But.. I did take it out and left it there, almost two weeks ago. But, today was a good day.
